Fear Your Fate

This fear makes me cry

The fear you’re going to die

Every minute that you’re late

I think you’ve sealed your fate

It doesn’t make sense

The panic gets real

I love you so much

To lose you

Can’t deal

Call it the paranoia

Call it anxiety

A mental fucking shit show

A lie only I can see

I’m not the jealous type

Don’t care to keep a tab

I truly fear your death man

Don’t drive

Just take a cab

And you hug me

Tell me it’s alright

But that don’t work

Fear is locked air tight

The mind’s a crazy thing

It’s good at telling lies

But death’s reality

Cos everybody dies

Death death death

Just leave me alone

I never asked for you

Go find another headstone

This funeral is on hold

Just give me the chance

To live my life

Open up

Just dance

Death needs a fucking vacation

Buzzing in my head

Like Grand Central Station

It’s working overtime

It’s got a real addiction

Oh it’s obsessed with me

Running through my head

Is it fact or fiction?

Call it the paranoia

Call it anxiety

A mental fucking shitshow

Living in my head

Like a worker bee

I’ll get my act together

Maybe I need more meds

This thinking can’t be normal

The thought I’ll find you dead…

*** Please know that I am not having suicidal thoughts. This is my experience with anxiety and in particular, the fear that my husband will die. It’s getting better but there are times I worry excessively that I’ll get a call telling me he’s dead. Especially in a car crash.

They are unwanted thoughts. They are disturbing thoughts and thoughts I’m trying to fight off. I don’t want him to die. I don’t want to die and I don’t want anyone to die.

I believe these thoughts stem from a subconscious fear of being in a good place in my life. That if life becomes too stable, if I become too happy, it will all be taken away from me as a cruel joke.

I am used to preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best but I don’t want to live my life like that all the time. I’m actually in a good place in my life for once and it’s funny that my mind is going haywire over it. It’s like my mind cannot handle the concept of good because its default setting is bad.

I think death in this case is symbolic although my mind makes it very real to me. Death is change, rebirth, and…I’m scared to death of it. But I need it. I want it and if this sounds like you, I feel you and I am praying for you because you deserve good in your life. You have the right to enjoy your life. Life does not have to be a constant fear of bad things that may or may not happen.

Life is one day, hour, minute, second at a time.

Embrace it. ❤

Sincerely,

Veronica

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